Divorces amongst people in the midlife years are on the increase. In the UK, according to The Office of National Statistics (ONS), there were 90,871 divorces of opposite-sex couples in 2018. Divorces are now most common in the 45 to 49 age group. There has also been a marked increase in the number of divorces amongst over-50s in the UK with the rate rising by 5.8% in 2016 in comparison to 2015.
So what are the reasons for the midlife divorce trend?
What we have started to see is the fact that people are getting married later in life but are also living longer. The usual age at which people get married now in the UK is the mid-thirties and the average length of a marriage that doesn’t work out is about 12 years. So if things aren’t going well in their marriage, people are increasingly thinking that if they don’t get a divorce then they could have many years of unhappiness ahead of them.
Common causes for feeling unsettled in a marriage at this age are empty nest syndrome and sexual dysfunction. But an often overlooked issue is the fact that women and men often experience midlife differently.
For many women, midlife is about new opportunities and a chance for freedom. By this stage of life, many of a woman’s responsibilities related to children have lessened. For men, however, the midlife phase of life can feel like the opposite. Many men feel like their best years are behind them by the time they get to middle age.
Is a midlife divorce the right choice to make?
Divorce at any age can be very unpleasant and stressful so some deep soul-searching is required before embarking on such a big step. You need to be totally confident in any decision you make about divorce and the possible consequences and impact it will have on your close family and friends, especially your elderly parents and children.
Some situations are no-brainers when it comes to the answer to that question. For example, abuse of any kind and unforgivable behaviours normally represent clear-cut reasons to divorce. Other circumstances, however, can be less straightforward. Perhaps you are feeling unsettled or are unhappy and you’re not entirely sure why. Perhaps you not sure if you still have feelings for your partner. And, if you do still have feelings, how deep they are?
The unique issues surrounding midlife divorce
Getting divorced later in life can feel scarier and more daunting for people than it does when they are in their 20s and 30s. The clock seems to tick faster, the older you get. Lives tend to be closer intertwined, with children (and even grand-children) and life-long mutual friends are often involved. The financial side of things can be more complicated. So midlife divorce can take a heavy financial and emotional toll on couples.
The emotional side of midlife divorces
Getting divorced later in life often involves separating from people that we have known perhaps for decades. This can bring up a wide-range of emotions such as sadness, fear, regret and anger. It’s important to work through what comes up and to be patient with yourself. Don’t try to rush yourself.
It’s also important that we try to learn the lessons from the failed marriage. It’s not all negative, though, because this emotional experience can be the trigger for transformation and a readiness for the next phase of life.
Finances
A key issue is that finances are typically more complicated by midlife. Often there is more in the way of financial assets tied up in the marriage. It can also be more difficult to recover if a divorce results in some kind of financial hardship.
It is sometimes the case that one of the partners has had more control and understanding of the family finances than the other, so it’s important both parties get on an equal footing if divorce is the way forward.
Prior to opting for a divorce, perhaps consider a trial separation. Take the time to re-evaluate and consider what is important for you and your family and the short and long-term consequences. Perhaps considered meditation and counselling to enable you to move forward?
Here are some tips on approaching the money side of a midlife divorce.
- Make sure you gather together details of all income and financial assets. This includes bank accounts, pensions, property, life insurance policies and anything else of financial value. Don’t be tempted to hide and not disclose any income or financial assets as doing so creates mistrust and could come back to haunt you if the courts later get involved.
- What about the family home? Should it be kept or sold? Or perhaps could it could be divided into separate living areas – of course, this would be dependent on the size of the property. Not moving might make the whole situation seem less of an upheaval, especially if children are involved and live locally. Can the mortgage and the maintenance costs of the home be afforded?
- Consider tax issues. Pretty much every financial decision you make during the divorce will have tax implications.
- If you already have a will, make sure that you write a one to ensure that your assets go to the people you want.
- Check your life insurance and adjust it, if necessary. Seek the advice of an independent financial adviser to ensure that you will be fully covered once you are divorced.
- Make sure your finances are totally separated as soon as you separate or, at the very least, by the time the divorce is concluded. Order a copy of your credit record so that you can see details of every individual and joint financial agreement. Close all joint bank accounts and credit cards and open new ones so that your ex-partner is not able to spend your money and create added debts.
Family and friends
This can be a very tricky and sensitive issue. Inevitably, having been together for so long there will be the issue of future friendships and relationships to think about. How will you handle that? Will you still remain friends with your mutual acquaintances? What about family gatherings?
The process of getting divorced
This is perhaps the most important decision you will make. Be aware that divorce doesn’t have to be a battle and it can be done amicably. There are a few ways to get divorced.
- The traditional approach is that each party hires their own solicitor. The costs are generally higher than other approaches. Your solicitor produces the necessary paperwork and works with your partner’s solicitor with the aim of reaching an agreement. Where there are areas of disagreement this can involve going to the courts to get a judgement.
- Mediation can lead to an amicable divorce, is less expensive and less stressful. The process can be administered by a trained mediator or a solicitor. The way it works is that you liaise with the mediator either separately or together to come to an agreement in relation to all the divorce-related issues. To be effective, however. his method does require transparency on both sides and a true intention to arrive at a settlement on both sides.
- A do-it-yourself divorce is another option. You will need some professional help, however, but it is doable.
Don’t be put off by all the apparent obstacles because a midlife divorce can open up a whole new world for you. You can come out of the other side of the divorce in a much better place. You will need a supportive group of people around you and you should do some serious work on yourself such as self-love.
Remember that just because you’re older, this doesn’t mean your best days are behind you. You get to start again and reinvent yourself. And should you be looking for love again remember that, because midlife divorce is a major trend, it means that there are plenty of other single people around just like you looking for love again and a whole new start. However, if you do meet someone new, as a word of caution, be careful to take your time in getting to know each other and make sure you protect yourself financially.
